People often say that eating disorders never really go away; people just learn to manage them. Well from my own experience this has some truth. I used to think that this would mean that I'd forever be consciously resisting it and never satisfied with the way things were, but I was wrong. I call myself fully recovered now because I think I'm as recovered as I'm ever going to be. I'm as recovered as I need to be. My eating disorder doesn't affect my day-to-day life any more. It hasn't since I dropped out of school. Not at all. But there is undeniably still the urge to give in to that anorexic voice.
Sometimes I'm triggered by something - it doesn't even need to be big - and all of a sudden I get that feeling back of needing to control my world. Suddenly I'm planning to go running, skip meals and start throwing up my food again and I won't lie, I love how it makes me feel. But it never lasts long; a minute at the most. It doesn't last because with a knee-jerk reaction I remind myself of where that road leads and how happy I am day-to-day without the need for weight loss.
Back when I was at the beginning of my recovery, I was talking to someone who had recovered from anorexia and bulimia. She told me that she still had to keep herself in check so as not to return to her old ways. At the time it sounded like the most impossible thing in the world. How could I possibly just ignore those urges? Somehow I found a way =]
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