Life after anorexia

It's taken me a while to consider myself recovered. Some days it's easy; I just look at how happy I am and how easy it is to eat and it's obvious. Of course I'm recovered. Other days the happiness and the comfort while eating aren't so easy to see.

I suppose it's easiest to see the change when I look back at my lowest moments. I'm wary of writing too much about them because I would hate to be triggering to anyone, but before I got any help I was in a very bad place. I used starvation to punish myself and binging and purging to reward myself. It turned into a cycle of starvation followed by binges and purges followed by starvation followed by binges and purges. A vicious circle that I'm sure many of you can relate to.

Since recovering, I've come to the conclusion that happiness is a choice but sometimes we just don't know how to make that choice and it can seem like the hardest thing in the world. The best we can do is hold on and face another day head on.

Today it's easy to see that I'm recovered. I've been listening closely to my body and trying to give it what it needs. I've gained a little weight and although I'm very behind with my school work I'm not stressing out. Stress does me no good.

I want to share with you a poem I wrote for the www.b-eat.co.uk message boards. In it I tried to convey exactly why recovery is worth every second. I wrote it quite quickly and didn't think it was that great, but the response from people has been good so I thought it might be worth posting here. It doesn't really have a name:

I could tell you that recovery,

Makes you swell up with pride,

As you exorcise your demons,

And your anxiety subsides.



I could let you know the power,

That flows through your very soul;

The power to, with baby steps,

Inch forward t'wards your goal.



I could spout a thousand cliches

About how the world is bright,

How your future will be happy,

And your dark days filled with light.



I could talk to you of freedom;

Of a world bereft of chains.

And a dazzling utopia,

Where only happiness remains.



... But I won't



I'll let you discover for yourself

How amazing recovery feels.

Because nothing I can say compares

To comfort at every meal.


Take care,
Lula x