Life after anorexia

It's taken me a while to consider myself recovered. Some days it's easy; I just look at how happy I am and how easy it is to eat and it's obvious. Of course I'm recovered. Other days the happiness and the comfort while eating aren't so easy to see.

I suppose it's easiest to see the change when I look back at my lowest moments. I'm wary of writing too much about them because I would hate to be triggering to anyone, but before I got any help I was in a very bad place. I used starvation to punish myself and binging and purging to reward myself. It turned into a cycle of starvation followed by binges and purges followed by starvation followed by binges and purges. A vicious circle that I'm sure many of you can relate to.

Since recovering, I've come to the conclusion that happiness is a choice but sometimes we just don't know how to make that choice and it can seem like the hardest thing in the world. The best we can do is hold on and face another day head on.

Today it's easy to see that I'm recovered. I've been listening closely to my body and trying to give it what it needs. I've gained a little weight and although I'm very behind with my school work I'm not stressing out. Stress does me no good.

I want to share with you a poem I wrote for the www.b-eat.co.uk message boards. In it I tried to convey exactly why recovery is worth every second. I wrote it quite quickly and didn't think it was that great, but the response from people has been good so I thought it might be worth posting here. It doesn't really have a name:

I could tell you that recovery,

Makes you swell up with pride,

As you exorcise your demons,

And your anxiety subsides.



I could let you know the power,

That flows through your very soul;

The power to, with baby steps,

Inch forward t'wards your goal.



I could spout a thousand cliches

About how the world is bright,

How your future will be happy,

And your dark days filled with light.



I could talk to you of freedom;

Of a world bereft of chains.

And a dazzling utopia,

Where only happiness remains.



... But I won't



I'll let you discover for yourself

How amazing recovery feels.

Because nothing I can say compares

To comfort at every meal.


Take care,
Lula x

A mini breakthrough?

I was having a conversation yesterday with my mum about eating. She was concerned that I wasn't eating enough and I told her I simply wasn't hungry. It's true. I never feel hungry enough to eat anything. Well according to my mother she never feels hungry either and neither do most people...
So wait, stop just a second, normal people don't feel hungry? How do they know when to eat? All this time I've assumed that feeling hungry was synonomous with having an appetite. Apparently there's a difference that I never knew about. From what I can gather, most people eat throughout the day at certain times on point of habit and after a while their body expects food at those times and this is appetite. Appetite is more about looking forward to eating and hunger is like a warning signal from your body telling you that it needs food ASAP. If it were up to me I'd still be leaving it until I were hungry. So perhaps the signs that my body gives me are not obvious. I've been expecting it to shout really loud so that there's no mistaking what it wants, but perhaps it's more like a whisper? Perhaps I have to actively listen to it instead of expecting it to do all the work?

The unstoppable force of anorexia

On days like today my anorexia does feel like an unstoppable force. Despite having come so far I find myself preparing the bare minimum for lunch and then forcing it down my throat, making an effort to hold back tears. I'm not tearful because I'm afraid of gaining weight. The truth is I'm not afraid of gaining weight. I'm tearful because I have no appetite. I have not truely had an appetite for over a year. I still find it incredibly difficult to determine what my body needs in terms of nutrients. Hunger is confusing to me, and lack of hunger is even more so. As a result I end up giving my body less food than it needs - not much less, but enough to make me lose a little weight. I'm frustrated with myself. I have a week to gain the weight back before being weighed again and this weigh in means more than the others; it will determine whether or not I can be discharged as planned. It's only a little weight loss. It shouldn't be too hard to put back on...

Hello people of the Internet land.

So as I've outlined in my blog description, this is a blog about my recovery from anorexia. It feels as though I'm coming into this whole world of recovery blogging a little late as the majority of the time I consider myself pretty much recovered already. But sometimes I do still struggle and I have found others' blogs both inspiring and comforting to read at times. So I thought "Hey! Maybe I could do that too" and so here I am.

So... a little about me. My name is Lula and I turn 18 in April. I've lived in the UK my whole life and although my brain often tells me it's stupid to be patriotic, I do have a deep love for my country. I find it funny when people (I'm talking mainly Americans here) think of the British in weird stereotypes. Apparently we have bad teeth, we all employ a butler and we eat crumpets and scones every day! It's especially funny as there are so many accurate stereotypes that are often left out. We are a nation of complainers. It's true. I think it's written in our DNA. If we're not complaining about the weather (by far our favourite topic of conversation when making small talk) then we're complaining about practically everything else; politicians, adverts on the TV, the state of the economy; whatever springs to mind. We also have some insane traditions that date WAY back. Ever heard of cheese rolling? In Gloucectershire every year they throw some cheese down a steep hill and then run after it, obtaining countless injuries along the way. Why? Tradition of course!!

People chasing some cheese...

So you probably don't really care about cheese right now. Sorry, I get easily distracted. Let's get back on topic (although cheese is arguably a happier topic than the intended topic of eating disorders).

So I was diagnosed with Anorexia on November 6th 2009. I had a lot of support from my family and friends and managed, with their help (and the help of the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) I've managed to get where I am today. "Where are you today?" I hear you ask. Well... I'm happy =D

Haha, that sounded a little cheesey (wow, we're back on cheese). But seriously, I'm now at a weight that my doctors are happy with and I'm OK with it too!! My only great downfall at the moment is that I still have a bit of an obsession with the scales. I'm OK with the number they say, but I'm not OK with not knowing that number. As a result I end up weighing myself far too often. But at the moment I feel it doesn't really do me any harm so I'm just enjoying being almost totally free from anorexic thinking.

Hopefully I'm being discharged from the mental health service some time in March (hurrah). However, I am very scared of relapsing and so have tried to put in place a few other support systems to help me in case I do end up relapsing. This blog is one such system. I'm hoping that if I make myself write about this topic regularly I'll be able to pick up on the signs of relapse earlier. I have also started attending a local self help group for sufferers of eating disorders. It's run by students at my local university about half an hour away and so far I think it's been helpful. I always find it interesting hearing about other people's experiences.

So.... I guess that's me. Pleased to meet you =D